An Ill-defined Circumstance
by Sombereyes
Summary: I peered into green eyes...ones set into a soft, unsure scowl...and I saw what I wanted to be for her...and in that usual soul crushing way I came to a realization...The person I wanted to be, could never be the type of person she truly needed...regardless of that, part of me wanted her...wanted this, anyway...


A/N: Beth and I have decided to start up a writers group on the FFN (separate from the one I go to at the library). It's more an off the beaten path group than anything, because as much as we like cannon pairings, we like our weird ones too. We've chosen to call this community Upon Open Wings…we will be posting our fictions, but also keeping an open forum for discussion and creativity.

There will be monthly challenges, and a prompt corner posted regularly. We're hoping to build a closely knit community, of varying fandoms, with people from all walks of life. That being said, I picked one of the simple prompts for this fiction, mainly because I wanted a short, sweet little piece of work to further enjoy one of my rare guilty pleasure pairings.

Natsuki/Akira.

The prompts I used: Close your eyes, and think about your first kiss. Write about it using your favorite pairing…

An odd prompt for anyone who really knows me, I'm sure….since my first kiss wasn't really a kiss at all but a realization on my behalf...but, I thought given the situation in which it occurred back when I was a teen, it might be fitting for this pairing.

**An Ill-defined Circumstance**

**(Akira POV)**

Sometimes, a kiss isn't about love, it's about identity...I know that now.

It's okay for it to be about defining yourself based on the person you're with...and, by the type of person you want to be...and sometimes, you can see all of that in the eyes of another. You can see your own eyes through the wetness of theirs. A looking glass, that helps you to find who you are.

I never really believed in weird stuff like that before, but then, I peered into green eyes...ones set into a soft, unsure scowl...and I saw what I wanted to be for her...and in that usual soul crushing way I came to a realization...The person I wanted to be, could never be the type of person she truly needed.

But...regardless of that, part of me wanted her...wanted this, anyway.

Gentle, not to mention unsteady fingers weaved their way through my hair. I could feel the warmth of her breath upon my lips. It unnerved me. I could hear the heated exhale that drifted between us...and I realized I was terrified. A tiny note in her voice slipped out, as a blush stained her cheeks deeply. I wanted to know why she seemed so embarrassed, because she didn't seem the type. Either way, there it was, all the same.

I wondered what in the hell we were doing, this close….without any rhyme or reason. A first kiss shouldn't be like that, right? It should be with someone you loved, but I didn't really love her. She probably didn't love me either.

I was just comforted by her.

It was guilt that nipped at the edges of her eyes, glimmering with the same discomfort that I was feeling…but here we were, inches apart. Two friends….if we could even be called that, who backed ourselves into a wall. We weren't rivals, we hardly knew each other…yet there was something weird between us.

She wasn't popular by choice, or anything like that….it was just that I truly admired her, and felt as if there was something about her that I wanted for myself. She was beautiful, without question, but that's not what pulled me in.

It was something else.

Something more fundamental, distant…and left lacking by our inability to grasp onto whatever that fleeting thing was…but we both knew that this wasn't how a first kiss she be. I wanted for her to push me away, but instead, emerald eyes kept staring into me, probing me for answers that I just didn't have. She knew what I was at my core…that I wasn't just another guy who only thought about sex, and women… her hand that rested at my side, just below by breast, was enough of an answer for her, and she wasn't by any means stupid.

If she was bothered by the fact that I'd bound down my breasts, she didn't indicate it, and I didn't ask. She knew now, that I was a woman on the outside.

All I did was sigh, my lips briefly ghosting hers before I backed up and smirked. She was warm, and soft, and entirely a woman…right down to the barest caress of her lips and heat in her eyes. That's what I realized we both lacked. It was the one thing we both couldn't have. That weakness personified by what we were. We both denied it, albeit in different ways…but at the end of the day, that's still exactly what Natsuki was.

I shook my head, and backed away from the fingers that had traced my cheek. "You win." I said to her, I knew I couldn't stand up to that, or even compare…because I wasn't a woman….not within the deepest depths of my heart…and somehow, I knew that's the one thing she wanted most.

I was a man trapped in a woman's body.

She, was just a woman…looking for another such as herself.

It's funny what you find, when you look through a looking glass, and see yourself in the eyes of another. I'll never forget what I found, lingering in those vast, wet pools...I know what it takes...I know what I have to be.


End file.
